Author: graybo

some semblance of normal blogging service: a TPL update: 20 points, taking my total to 575. Not a great week. Hughes transferred out, Hreidarsson in.

Further thanks for kind messages. There are some kind and generous people out there, including “real” friends, “virtual” friends and people I’ve never heard from before.
One or two people, including at least one of my “real” friends, have questioned the wisdom of relating the whole thing on my blog. I guess they are wondering who I hope will read it. Well, I guess I’ve written it as much for myself as anyone – it has been a cathartic exercise, and has helped me build a better picture in my mind of what has happened (although whether that has helped is a matter for conjecture). I suppose I also think that the people involved and my friends will read it too. One of the reasons for that is that I find it easier to write down what I really feel than to say it – I’m just a bit emotionally damaged at the moment, and I’m frightened that what comes out of my mouth may not be what is in my heart and mind. The long post I wrote yesterday took me nearly two hours to compile – I wrote bits, deleted them, read it through umpteen times, re-edited it, re-read it – over and over and over. I even thought about deleting the whole thing, and writing something about the weather, or posting a few links to Romania stories on Ananova. But I’m sure that what I wrote there is what I truly feel, hurtful as parts of it may seem.
Other people have said that time will heal. Well, I guess that can be true, but scars sometimes linger. I think back to the last time that someone I really loved broke up with me (and I didn’t love her anything like as much as I love Andrea), even though that is now nearly four years ago, the scars are still there. This time the wounds are deeper and have been inflicted twice over. One or two people have written to tell me of similar experiences in their lives – I know I am not unique. I guess that helps, but I’m not yet sure how.
There is nothing that I have written here that Andrea did not already know – including my feelings about Kev. If I learnt anything about Andrea in the time we were together, it is that me saying anything that is intended to deter her from her chosen path will serve only to make her more determined to follow that path. So I will not add anything more to what I have already said in Grayblog, which is no more than I said to her face. My love for her is such that I can only wish that she finds what she is looking for – I certainly do not wish her anything bad, and I hope that she will be happy.
And, of course, I do wish for her back. I miss her so very much. I won’t bore my poor readers with the little things that I miss – they even include her used teabags on my kitchen worktops, and the toilet lid always left open. But above all, I miss her in the mornings.
And, yes, I think maybe I should have seen this coming. They say that love can be blind, meaning we don’t see the other’s imperfections. I knew Andrea’s imperfections, and loved her just the same. But it also means that we are sometimes blind to what is happening. I guess that is why all of this is such a shock to me – I was blind, I didn’t see it coming.
Where I go from here, I’m not quite sure. New beginnings do seem a good plan. My cousin offered to give me a weekend break in London, which I’m going to take her up on. She thinks I need a fresh start. Other friends, especially DAGS, are determined to get me back on my feet and functioning again. Sometimes I feel ready for that – at other moments, I just want to curl up and hide with my sadness.
One thing I have to do is begin to focus on work again – I have done hardly a single productive thing since last Thursday, and whilst my parents will tolerate my inactivity for a while, there is a limit. It’s a family business after all, and we all rely on it to a greater or lesser degree. At least being busy may stop me thinking so damned much.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to trust anybody again.
This is probably the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Memories keep running through my head of various things that happened, things that were said, parties, nights at the bar. The memories are not helping. There are some good memories too – though I’m not sure that they help ease the pain either.
Anyway, I’m going to stay with my parents tonight. Crap TV. Good food. A book that Fi lent to me. Safety.

ok, well I’ve decided to publish the whole story, as far as I currently understand events. This is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me, and I guess I’m just wandering around in shock at the moment.
As you know from previous posts, Andrea and I parted last Thursday. I hadn’t really had any warning at all – I had suspected that she was unhappy about something, but felt that we knew and loved each other well enough that if she wanted to talk about it she would. I put a good deal of it down to the fact that she had only just gone back to work for the new term, which is something she always finds stressful.
The reason she gave for wanting to end our relationship was that she didn’t love me enough. I’ve been keen for us to move in together, and had even talked about a longer term future (yes, marriage), although for practical reasons and also with regard to Andrea’s nervousness, I was prepared to wait and wasn’t going to force the issue. I couldn’t envisage us living together much before the end of this year at the earliest.
Well, according to Andrea, she feels that I’m not the one that she wants to be with for the long term, and it is best that we split now, and not six months, a year or two years down the road.
Naturally, I was devastated. When I got to work that day, I immediately sent e-mails to my best friends Sarah and Kev. Sarah called me straight away, and said not to worry and to talk about things in the evening, which was exactly what I planned to do. Kev basically just said “shit”, offered to meet for lunch (which I couldn’t do) and then went quiet.
Later in the day, I got the first bombshell – an e-mail from Kev, telling me that he had had “feelings” for Andrea ever since I had introduced them, about four or five days after we had met. It was because of these feelings that he had split with Tanya last year.
Now, please bear in mind that Kev is no ordinary mate to me. He has been by best mate for nearly twenty years – more than two-thirds of my life. We have holidayed together, got drunk together, shared secrets – everything you would expect two lifelong mates to do.
So, after work, I arranged to go to Andrea’s flat to talk things through, hopefully persuade her not to leave me, and then discuss how to deal with Kev.
When I got in the door, and before mentioning Kev, she said that she knew I would want to talk, but that she wasn’t going to change her mind. You can guess my reaction – after such a long and happy time together, I just dissolved.
We did talk it through for a while. And then I showed her Kev’s long e-mail (two sides of A4). She told me that she had no idea how he felt (which I believed – yet now, I am beginning to doubt), but then came the second bombshell – she said that she felt “feelings” for Kev too.
Well, I’ll spare you the details of how I spent the whole weekend crying and shaking. Sarah, Fi, DAGS and Robyn have all been fabulous – without them, I don’t know what I would have done. Somehow, during the course of Friday and the weekend, I managed to go and give two presentations, and also clear up my flat and put all Andrea’s things into bags – an incredibly hard thing to do, as each item has so many memories attached to it. There are some things I just can’t touch at the moment – the bag full of souvenirs from our holidays together is still sitting under the table, untouched. I can’t bear to look at them. And there is a big pile of photographs too.
On Sunday night I called Andrea. She didn’t return my message – I now know that she must have been at Kev’s. She called me back last night, and I arranged to take her stuff round to her and pick up my things from her flat – and for us to give back each other’s keys.
It was very hard. I was in tears, she wasn’t – she just kept saying that she “had to be strong for both of us”. Eventually, I asked her if she had spoken to Kev. She looked me in the eye, and I knew what she was going to say:
“Yes”
“and are you going to see each other?”
“Yes”
When I left Andrea’s a short time later, I drove straight to Sarah’s house (Andrea phoned ahead to say I was coming). Poor Sarah – her boyfriend Jeremy was there for the first time in nearly two weeks, having been away for work. I don’t remember anything about driving there. When I got there, I just sobbed on Sarah’s sofa.

So, you can see, I’ve lost the woman I loved more than any other, the one I really, honestly thought I might stay with. And I’ve lost the bloke I loved more than any other, my best mate for nearly twenty years, who I’d shared everything with.
I’m full of “why” questions at the moment. I’m also doubtful of so many things that I previously thought were true. I’m not even sure that I should have trusted Kev and Andrea. Probably not. But at the same time, I can’t believe that Andrea would set out to hurt me – in fact, I’m convinced that she didn’t. And I’m worried for her too – I just don’t think that Kev is the right person for her, and I think that she is going to get hurt. I’m not just saying that because I’m the jilted party, but because I know her and care for her.
What now? Well, I’m in recovery. It’s going to take a while to get out of this hole. Bear with me.
And why have I blogged this? Because I need to tell this story. And, if Kev reads it, I want him to know how I feel – that I still love Andrea and would do anything to get her back. But that he’s blown it – that he can’t ever expect to regain the trust and friendship that he had with me. And when he splits with Andrea, I won’t be here for him. But I will be there for her.

just a short note to say thanks to everyone who has sent kind words.
I’m still struggling with the whole thing at the moment, and would do anything to wake up and find things were different. but life doesn’t usually work like that.
as always with these things, the whole situation is far from simple – in fact it is very complicated. I may tell you about it one day, but I don’t think I can/should at the moment.
near-normal blogging will be restored shortly, as surfing the web and looking at crap has been quite good therapy over the last couple of days – anything that stops me from thinking is a good thing to do.

This is Andrea. I love her very very much. Up until yesterday, she was my girlfriend. Yesterday we broke up after ten months, sixteen days and nearly twelve hours of unbridled happiness. I’m not sure I really understand why. Please excuse me if I don’t blog much for a few days.

I am in no mood for working today. I can’t focus on anything. I warned of a blogging hiatus at the beginning of the day, but I’m actually finding it to be a useful distraction from thinking. If anyone has any good jokes or stuff they want to e-mail me, go right ahead.

Ever wanted to be a porn-star? (link leads to boss-friendly content)

Bob the Builder “swearing” on video. Reminds me of the censored Clangers episode.

tax authorities are the same the world over, it appears.