As we go along with parenthood, we’re slowly discovering more and more things that you are either not told about beforehand or are glossed over. So, in order to forewarn a few other prospective parents, here are a few that we’ve found out:
- sleep deprivation. OK, so everyone jokes about the fact that when the baby comes, you won’t get much sleep. It’s always mentioned and, as soon as it is, everyone sits back in their chair and laughs. Heartily. But it really is no laughing matter and the severity and impact of sleep deprivation is not to be underestimated. Sleep deprivation has so many knock-on effects. It makes you short tempered and irritable, generally lacking in patience. For a breast feeding mother, sleep deprivation makes what can be a difficult and tiring task doubly so. And for a father, it makes your workspace seem like a terribly attractive place to take a nap (if only I could afford the time to do that – I’m working 9 or 10 hour days at my desk, plus taking the laptop into the house in the evening to do a little more). How anyone who already has children copes with this, I really don’t know.
- looking after an ill baby is even less fun. Tom has a cold. As a consequence, he is finding breathing difficult, particularly when feeding. He also has problems with catarrh so that he is coughing quite a bit as he clears his chest and isn’t sleeping terribly well. As parents, it is difficult at first to understand what the problem is – your child can’t talk and say “Mum, I’ve got a cold” or “Dad, I’m all blocked up”. When the baby starts to cry, you work through a mental checklist (hungry? dirty nappy? too hot? too cold? cholic? needing a hug? ummm – now what?) but when you get to the end of the list, you are left flicking through books or wondering if you should call up the GP. Fortunately, the onset of this illness coincided fairly well with a scheduled visit from the health visitor, and she decided fairly quickly that Tom was suffering from nothing more serious than a cold. A check-up with the GP confirmed this (the GP was actually very pleased with his progress and seemed to spend most of the consultation comparing Tom to actors and dead politicians). But it does nothing for the stress levels.
- mastitis hurts. And compounds all of the above problems. There is a lot more to it than that, but I’m not sure that Hels would appreciate me discussing that here!
- nappies aren’t made for bottoms. First nappies are quickly out-grown. Yet the next size up seems huge by comparison, so much so that I have little confidence that the nappy won’t leak because it doesn’t make a good dry seal around Tom’s legs. We’ve already had a couple of unpleasant leakage experiences. Not nice.
But in spite of all of the difficulties, when he’s laying on his playmat and follows you with his eyes as you walk around the room, perhaps even throwing the odd smile or gurgled giggle in for good measure, you can’t help but think that it’s all worth it.
Comments
9 responses to “Things they don’t tell you”
I’m sure you’re both doing a fantastic job. I’d like to tell you that it gets easier…but I don’t have any personal experience. I’m sure it does though!
Everyone tells us that it gets easier. We’re still waiting.
But, as I say, it is worth it – there are enormous rewards that do outweigh the negatives.
Hey, it’s early days and you’re both doing a splendid job. Any nappy recommendations? We’re going to see The Nappy Lady tomorrow, and I’m hoping we will learn what we need to know to make the right nappy-purchasing decision.
Cotton Bottoms seemed to do the best deal on reusable nappies, but we were discussing earlier today how we are not sure that we could have coped with everything else and washing and managing nappy supplies. I don’t mean to put you off, but it’s a consideration.
The biodegradable ones that are stocked in most supermarkets (I can’t remember the brand name) didn’t seem to make a good fit around Tom’s bum to begin with, but worked better later. So, if you’re using disposables, these are well worth a try.
Pampers worked best for us to begin with, but moving from their first size to the second seemed a big jump. Huggies seem to be better over this transition until Tom’s bum gets bigger.
Tonight, we have given Tom his first ever formula feed. We plan to give him one feed in the evening as a supplement to breast milk in the hope that we might get a bit more sleep and, therefore, be better equipped to look after him the rest of the time. Several books suggest that this is a good plan around 6 weeks (we reach that tomorrow) and it also helps give Hels a little "me time" as I can do the mixing and the feeding. Of course, we know that this will dramatically change the nature of Tom’s poo, so it’ll be, erm, interesting to see how that pans out overnight and in the morning.
Sleep deprivation is possibly the worst aspect of being a new parent and one of the biggest things I don’t miss about being a parent of a newborn baby (along with fannying about with sterilisers, formula and running out of supplies when all the nearest shops are shut).
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I can recall laying awkwardly on the sofa at 2:30am for the third night in a row, trying to rock our youngest to sleep in his pushchair, knowing that I would have to be up for work at 7am and feeling like I could to die. I was in actual physical pain through tiredness and felt like I was going mad.
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Every time I stopped rocking – mainly due to me nodding off – he woke up and screamed. Later, I would wake up with a start at 6am, realising that he and I had been sleeping solidly for two hours and scrabble silently about readying myself for work. At some point in the working morning I would get an email from my wife telling me that Youngest had slept solidly until 10:30am.
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It’s a terrible thing to say, but those sleepless nights made me understand how some people could be driven to harm their children, although the impulse was never there with me.
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Graybo, you have my utmost sympathy. All I can suggest is that you be strong for each other, take it in turns to care for your little one so that the other can go off and grab a quick nap – even a half hour snooze does wonders.
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Although it might seem like a terrible slog at the moment, maybe almost like a punishment, it WILL get better. Not overnight, maybe not for a couple of weeks but it WILL improve. The same goes for colds – babies are the worst patients and any routine you develop will go out of the window. Just be patient, go with the flow & remind yourself that – in the grand scheme of things – this is just a teeny-tiny part of your child’s development & it will get better.
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Best of luck to the three of you.
My first born was not yet two years old when my twins were born. They were big baby boys like Tom (weights 8.5 lbs and 9.5 lbs – born at 37 weeks!) and I honestly found it easier coping with all three of them than the first two years with first born because being a novice parent is bloody hard, you are in a constant state of tiredness and worry and cannot afford to be blase about the slightest cry, cough or rash and despite being surrounded by people who have had children – you can’t help thinking “have these people been lobotomised – they really don’t understand how desperate we feel do they?”, they do of course, its just that nature has made them forget the suffering so that the fools will do it all over again!
The main reason we survived those early months with our little people zoo is that after four weeks of their birth we ignored the mother earth brigade and started formula feeding. Despite having to sterilise and make up nearly 30 bottles of milk every day it was the begining of stretches of four hours or more of sleep at night which saved sanity as of course it wasn’t possible to cat-nap during the day with first born running around.
By four months old they were sleeping from 6pm to 6am because their big boy appetites were being satisfied – yes the nappies were nasty but at least I didnt have the worry of dehydration and anyway, its not too long before solids are introduced and then nappies take on a whole new dimension – sweetcorn and beetroot is a masterpiece! They are today all healthy and have not suffered mental deficeincy, asthma, eczema or lack of emotional attachment despite the scaremongerers opinions that “breast is best”. In my opinion your “breast supplemented by bottles” idea is a perfect solution.
My top, top tip is simply the old adage “routine, routine, routine”. It may be a bit like being a slave to the clock but I found that getting my babes into a routine worked wonders. Three hourly feeds, naps after the mid morning bottle and early afternoon which can be taken whilst on the hoof. Then bath, bottle and bed accompanied by soothing music by the cots conducted every day at the same time without fail led to three very contented boys. If you set this routine into a babies body clock they will feel secure, content and will not question later on why jumping around until midnight is not acceptable ala house of tiny tearaways.
My first born was ten yesterday and the twins are just 8 and I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed. Soon the good will outweigh the bad and as soon as you both get some decent sleep life will be much easier and happier for all three of you. Congratulations on getting through the first stage – Tom is a very lucky boy.
Thanks for the good advice.
Following last night’s success with the first bottle (we got a pretty good night’s sleep in the end – three hour intervals between feeds is tolerable), we’re now reckoning on making a full transition to formula sometime around week 10. By doing this, we hope to get the best of both worlds and also make the most of the free milk coming from H at the moment (Aptimel – £6.97 a packet!). We’ll then be ready for formula-only feeding when we have our planned trip to Ireland in late April and be well-settled into routine by the time that Tom starts going to the childminder in July.
Hmm, I wish someone had warned me last month to spend all my time asleep. I had no idea how little sleep us new parents get.
I was talking to my midwife yesterday about breastfeeding and what-not. I seem to run out of milk in the evenings which makes Elissa very unsettled because she’s so hungry (hence the total lack of sleep, she spends all night latched on!). Anyway, midwife said that milk supplies deplete when the mother is tired (maybe this might be a similar thing for you?). She also said for sore boobs to put the outter leaves of a savoy cabbage in your bra (I never thought I’d be so delighted by someone buying me a cabbage as a present, but really, it’s fantastic!). Also, warm flannels help with mastitus, but I expect you already know that 🙂
Has Hels ever been to http://www.babygreenhouse.com? It’s ever so good. Loads of lovely supportive people there. Has been a God send throughout my pregnancy and still continues to be so (when I have time to go online, that is).
Anyway, hope things improve for you soon 🙂
[…] As Graybo recently mentioned, one of the factors that requires serious consideration is whether or not we think we can cope with all that laundry on top of the other changes that we will be faced with in the first few weeks. More significantly, though, when we went to visit the Nappy Lady last night, she told us that most hospitals in the UK won’t handle cloth nappies. Her advice was to get a few packs of disposables in to cover the initial few weeks, and switch to cloth once things have settled down. This seems to me to be a reasonable compromise, on top of which it means we might be able to save money by only buying the larger or foldable size of cloth nappy. Or at least, offset the cost of the disposables. As always I want to be ethical and environmentally friendly wherever I can, but there has to be a balance with what is practical and manageable, and this feels like a small sacrifice that will be worth it. I know it gets Pete’s vote. […]