So sue me. Or him.
1. My uncle once: fell over the side of an aircraft carrier in a plane. Actually, he did it more than once.
2. Never in my life: flown in a hot air balloon.
3. When I was five: I began primary school. My teacher was called Miss English, and I told her that my parents were aged 21 and 18.
4. High school was: not as great as people sometimes claim. But not as bad either. And probably a missed opportunity, particularly the sixth form.
5. I will never forget: the day that Tom was born.
6. Once I met: Molly Sugden. She visited my parent’s nursery and forgot to take her credit card after the transaction.
7. There’s this girl I know. Fact.
8. Once, at a bar: I was stalked by a midget with a perm.
9. By noon, I’m usually: thirsty.
10. Last night: I fought with Tom whilst trying to persuade him to sleep and then went to bed early myself. My patience is dramatically reduced when I feel ill.
11. If only I had: more money, time and self-discipline.
12. Next time I go to church: I’ll probably be with Tom and we’ll admire the architecture.
13. What worries me most: is not much at all. I don’t worry about much, as it seems a rather futile activity. But I’m concerned about the future, like most people. You can only wish to be happy, comfortable and for your child to have it better than you did.
14. When I turn my head left I see: the garden – lots of plants in flower, plus Tom’s trike parked outside the door.
15. When I turn my head right I see: a couple of pot plants and the stereo.
16. You know I’m lying when: I admit to it.
17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: the lack of responsibility. As I was in my early to mid teens during that period, I didn’t have much responsibility at all. Unfortunately, it was a missed opportunity – I should have grasped those years a bit more.
18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Banquo? Nah, who am I kidding?
19. By this time next year: we’ll be millionaires, Rodney! Alternatively, I might have finished those draft posts for this site.
20. A better name for me would be: um, actually, I like the one I have.
21. I have a hard time understanding: people who don’t think things through and use the evidence available to their own senses. I can understand why Richard Dawkins gets so frustrated by people who don’t agree with the findings of empiricists.
22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: have taken a wrong turning.
23. You know I like you if: I relax. You’ll know it when you see it.
24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: Hels.
25. Take my advice, never: clean your headlamps with a baby wipe and then try to stick “beam benders” on. It won’t work. (What? You wanted a philosophical answer??)
26. My ideal breakfast is: Dorset Cereals Simply Delicious muesli with cold milk. Plus eggs, bacon, toast, tomato, black pudding, juice, coffee, cheese, bread, ham…
27. A song I love but do not have is: not known to me yet. I tend to download stuff I like soon after hearing it.
28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: visit the Cathedral and then a pub (assuming you mean the place I consider my hometown. If you mean the place where I live, then visit the church – it has a surprise inside).
29. Why won’t people: just give me the f***ing money now!
30. If you spend a night at my house: you’d eat well, drink well and, hopefully, relax.
31. I’d stop my wedding for: nothing, except a fire alarm perhaps. Done it already.
32. The world could do without: about three quarters of its human population. Obviously you and I are exempt from this.
33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: its feet.
34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: my wife.
35. Paper clips are more useful than: staples if you want to take the pages apart again after fixing them together.
36. If I do anything well it’s: cook duck à l’orange.
37. I can’t help but: I have a short attent
38. I usually cry: when peeling onions.
39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: is to never stop asking questions.
40. And by the way: isn’t it your round?
Feh.
