I am very strung out.

I am very strung out. Today has been a very strange, hard, difficult and emotional day:

  • firstly, my experience with the window (see below) – they say that your home is a castle. Well, today the defences were breached. I feel that my home has been sullied in some way.
  • secondly, having to give apologies for not attending an informal memorial for a guy I knew only a little, who died in unusual circumstances at the beginning of the year
  • thirdly, some news for people who remember the old Grayblog, which you will now find linked in the navbar (it seemed appropriate to do so). Today, Kev and Andrea announced their engagement. Sarah called me to tell me. I was a little taken aback, and decided that I needed to think on things for an hour or two at least. As is usual for me, if I need to think, I retreat to the bath – it is a distraction-free zone – and that is where I spent an hour this evening, deciding how I feel, what to do, and so on.
    For those that do not know, Kev was my closest friend for nearly twenty years. Andrea was my lover for nearly a year. I found dealing with the fact that we broke up and they then started seeing each other very hard to handle, the most difficult thing I have ever had to handle.
    Tonight, I took one of the more difficult decisions I have ever had to take. Whilst it is not a case of forgive and forget, because I don’t think I can do that, it is a case of moving on.
    So, having taken my very long bath, I got dressed and headed down to the bar, where Sarah had told me they would be. I had a lot of thoughts racing through my head – I was physically shaking, and was far from convinced that I could hold myself together once there. But I had decided to go there and congratulate them, and give them my best wishes, and that is what I did, with the aid of a bottle of champagne. Tears flowed liberally in all quarters.
    I am still very hurt by what happened, I still feel betrayed, and I still miss what went before. But, at the end of the day, Kev and Andrea are starting out on a big new part of their lives, and I don’t think it is right that I should be begrudging of that. Please don’t expect me to be positively ecstatic about the situation, but times have moved on, and so have the people involved.
    As I said above – this is not forgive and forget. This is moving on.

So I’m fraught tonight. And tired. And more than a little lonely. Tonight, more than any other for a long time, I would give anything to have a warm pair of arms around me.
But warm words and sentiments from friends mean so much. So thanks to Kearn, DA, Stein, Paul F, Michelle, my brother Tim, Jane P, Marcia, Matt, Nick and, of course, to Sarah, the very best friend anyone could wish for.
The next few days, with emotional stress, work stress, exam stress and flat stress are likely to be hard.