I have never felt so alone in my entire life.
Here follows an account of this evening’s events:
– went for hair appointment with Jo. She hadn’t spoken to Andrea, and naturally was shocked and stunned by events. In fact, she was nearly moved to tears – I’ve never seen her like that before – she nearly was speechless, which for Jo is quite something. I dunno – we really couldn’t do much for each other.
– came home and cooked dinner. Another oven-ready pizza – I haven’t cooked anything properly since Andrea and I split, as cooking for us both was, for me, an intrinsic part of our relationship. That and taking a bath are the two things I can’t do (shower city here) – food and the bath were two things we always shared.
– called just about everybody – no answers from anyone.
– called Sarah. Both feeling crap, so arranged to meet here (my place) and head down to W2 for a few beers.
– got to W2. Met up with Kearn. Had been there about ten minutes when they walked in. I don’t think I have ever felt so tense in my life – seeing the two of them together made me both intensely angry and intensely sad at the same time – anger, fury, sadness, love and nausea all at once. Andrea offered to buy me a drink – all I could do was mutter a refusal. Decided to leave and head down the road to the Nag’s Head. Left Sarah and Kearn behind with them. If I’d stayed, I think I would have hit one and cried at the other (I don’t mean Sarah and Kearn).
– stood in the Nag’s on my own, drinking a pint and feeling sorry for myself. Took about fifteen minutes to drink that, and realise that no-one was going to follow me from Woodies – don’t blame them, they are caught in between two lots of people, and there are two of them and only one of me. Decided to go home.
– just as I was leaving, spotted Paul F. Thank god. So went over and talked with him, with another pint. Promised that I would write here about how amusingly ironic it would be if I was to go out with Tanya – just like to point out – NEVER gonna happen. Nice friend, but that’s as far as it goes. At least Paul managed to extract a smile or two from me – rare event these days.
– headed with Paul back to W2 to say to Sarah that I was heading home. I could see in Andrea’s eyes that she wanted to talk to me, but I don’t think that the bar is the place. I’m too cut up about the whole thing and I’m not entirely sure that they understand just how much hurt they have caused. If we started talking about it in the bar, I can foresee that I’d just cause a scene, probably punching one and sobbing on the other (yes, I know I said that before – but I really do feel that way).
– so, instead, I have come home. I feel more alone than I have ever done. I can’t really go and tell any of the guys this, else I’d appear as the drama queen (drama king?), and that wouldn’t really help anyone, least of all me.
– I still love Andrea. Stupid huh? I’d do anything to get her back, to curl up with her at night again. I can’t believe we have broken up. Yes, we had our differences – different taste in music, different tastes in TV and film, etc. But I always felt that we got on at a personality level like nobody has got on with me before. And the fact that I had little or no warning that things were going wrong, no chance to discuss things, to try and put things right, is something that makes me feel incredibly useless and powerless. Andrea, if you read this …. I love you. I don’t want that to sound empty or throw-away. I mean it.
– as for Kev. I can’t believe how insensitive he has been. I’ve held back from saying this in this medium before, but seeing him tonight made me feel that the time has come to say what I mean. I can’t believe Kev could be so insensitive, to throw in my face nearly 20 years of friendship and trust. To keep secret from me for nearly a year something that he must have known would be so important to me (assuming what he says is true – and I don’t know what to believe any more). One or two people have suggested that we might become friends again given time….I’m sorry, but I don’t think that is true. I feel so betrayed, used, angry. Kev – if you read this, I want you to know that I feel used. Why did I trust you? Andrea is the person I love more than anyone I have ever met – you knew that. You knew I was planning and saving for a future with Andrea. You knew how important she was to me. And yet, given the news that Andrea and I were falling apart, did you give any consideration to how I felt – your “best mate” for nearly two-thirds of our lives? From my point of view, it doesn’t look like it.
– all-in-all, the whole thing makes no sense to me. I know I’ll seriously get some stick for typing this here. But it’s (part of) what I truly feel. All that I held true is gone – my best friend’s trust, my good friends, my favourite bar (my second home), and above all, the love of someone I love more than anyone I have ever met. That is why I feel alone.
I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. This weekend I have to do some college work. I have a pile of reading and a couple of assignments to complete. I’m really not in the mood. Life just seems to have entirely lost it’s focus at the moment. I’ve lost my way – I don’t know where to go and what to do.
Got to stop now – can’t focus on the screen any more – not beer, tears.